Date night! Never ordering Bloody Mary ever again!
Date night! Never ordering Bloody Mary ever again!
It’s time to be original. I’ll start uploading more of my things than to find cool things online :P
…are sometimes very difficult to deal with. I tend to focus on the bad parts of the conversation and it puts me down a lot. I would rather be able to concentrate on the good things said about me than the bad parts. Or perhaps not even find myself in that situation by asking them things that I am curious about but not healthy to know.
Currently it is 3:45 AM, and there is one question on my mind right now, and that is ” Why am I still up?”
Today I ran into my KSA (korean student association) parent when I was studying in the library. This was really unexpected because he graduated last year when I was a first year. He seemed to have changed a lot physically. First thing I noticed was his weight loss, he must have lost about 15 lbs. I was slightly worried but he told me that he eats all the time, but doesn’t seem to gain any weight… so how? How was it that he wasn’t gaining?… the only answer I could think of was that he is now in real life, the real world where you are responsible for everything that happens to you.
We went and talked about our daily lives and what we have been up to, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about his weight loss. Personally I lose weight when I am stressed, so I asked him if real world was what made him lose weight. He said that it was part of the reason why, but he enjoys the work so it’s not bad. He actually said he loves what he was doing and that since most people can’t say that they love their job he is alright. He then asked me what I’ve been up to, and if I was still premed. When I answered no, he then asked if I was happy now.
That made me think, nothing really makes me happy when it comes to studying. What drives me is fear of disappointing my parents, the fear of getting rejected, and the fear of admitting that I do not know what I want in life. If i stop now to find what I love and want to do for the rest of my life, I will be way behind everyone and no one likes to fall behind. I’ve known this for many years, and by giving up premed, I was left devastated since this wasn’t what I came into college, I came with determination to get great grades and be a doctor. However college was a lot harder than I thought it would be.
The reason why I wanted to become a doctor wasn’t because of the high social status or the money. It was because I saw so many doctors and nurses who didn’t care about the patients and seemed miserable doing their jobs. They are around patients need positive energy, not negative energy. This got me upset, so I decided why not me? Why not? I like helping people and I want to give back to the community. I didn’t really rant about it a lot but giving up on becoming a doctor made me feel insecure and unsettled.
As I am studying right now, I am thinking what my KSA dad asked me earlier, ” Are you happy?”…. Honestly, I am not. At least when it comes to school work, I am not happy. I can’t seem to get a good grade on a test no matter how much I study. My grades do not reflect on my knowledge and at this point it is discouraging. However, I do know that I can’t just give up. I have to push myself to just keep trying and that grades do not and should not justify my knowledge.
It is now 4:04AM and I am going to call it a night. I’ve been at this since 2PM so I think I deserve some sleep now.
something always goes wrong on Valentine Days. That’s why I don’t like have expectations, but this year I did and it failed short… big time.
Meeting someone new can be scary. When I say meeting someone, I mean meeting someone you like and starting something with that someone. Putting yourself out there is hard, and who is there to blame for that? Honestly, it’s just me. The sad fact is that I am the one who is holding myself back because I am afraid of getting hurt again. The pain that I felt was not because of him, it was because of how pathetic I felt for myself.
I was lucky enough that our mutual friends were close to none, so I didn’t have to deal with the post breakup awkwardness but this time… it might be different if things don’t go that well. This is probably what I am afraid of the most, the fact that I can’t just go on with my life pretending that he never existed or that he can’t be part of my future in any ways.
Why is it hard at times to remind myself that I am the one who is seeking unhappiness?
" Unhappiness doesn’t and can’t exist on its own. Unhappiness is the feeling that accompanies negative thinking about your life. In the absence of that thinking, unhappiness or stress or jealousy can’t exist. there is nothing to hold your negative feeling in place other than your own thinking."
Earliest human memory? When was I not a human?
There are many things I don’t like about myself and if I had to narrow it down to one, that would be the fact that I get caught up on things that are insignificant.
There seems to be this two different person inside of me who wants to know everything but at the same time hates the knowing the facts. I want to be this cool person who can just over look things and appreciate the moment but I can’t. I can try to be all cool in the outside but the thing is that I am bothered by a lot of things. I tell myself not to go look and find out more but instead I find myself looking and end up getting upset by it. bothered is a better term than upset.
Now you may wonder what this “thing” is but just try to relate with me without knowing what I’m talking about.
Maybe I’m overly sensitive about this… or maybe I’m normal and I just hate the fact that I can’t be this cool person I want to be regarding to these issues.
It’s right before Stat’s finals and I am caught up thinking about stupid things while I should be worried about stats. I think it’s time for me to step back and look at the picture as a whole and try to see the positive sides.. BS.
I’m upset and this is a rant. Rant rant rant.